Breathe

Seeking solace in a time of unease

In recent months, I've been taking time to try and understand myself once more. There was a time where I found inner peace - where somewhere within me, I'd found a place of calm, serene, tranquility. Lately, that place has become shrouded in mist, and I have forgotten how to get there.

On idle musings

My mind has been replaying the same thoughts over and over every day. It's not constant, but at least once a day, the noise starts to get a little too loud.

What is my purpose? I could say software engineer, or guy who likes photography, or guy who likes creating stuff, or guy who likes playing games on PC. But those are hobbies, not purposes. I genuinely don't know what my purpose is, and I'm not even sure I understand the question.

What would I like my life to be? To have people around, to support & love, and to receive support & love in return. To feel content in myself, to feel content being alone, but not to withdraw too much or for too long. To not burden people, and to reduce the burden others hold. To feel like I belong to a community that is not connected only by wire. To nurture nature, and in turn have it help me find tranquility.

On the people around me

There are good people in my life, and it's taken something in me to recognise that they are truly remarkable people. They may seem like just normal people to anyone else. To me, they are the pillars of my world, and for too long, I've rarely stopped to admire or appreciate them. I haven't ever been disrespectful to them, and I have appreciated they're part of my life. I know all too well that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and I am starting to come to the realisation that I should not be letting that happen any more.

I would rather be a glorious mess for a while because I truly appreciated the good things when they were here, than to feel permanently lost in the fog because I closed my eyes to the beacon of light they all are.

There are people in my life who are going through a lot of their own mental pressure lately. Some of it is the sort of pressure that can sweep people away and leave them lost forever, and in some of these situations, the best I can do is try to be an anchor for them until the storm passes. I wish I was in a situation to do more.

On AI

AI has delivered us speed, but it is already locking us in to a reliance. I admittedly fell into this trap a few months ago. It has been wonderful to 'solve' some of my own problems from a software building perspective by having it build projects for me, but this has definitely contributed to the feeling of not having a purpose. I do not exist only to check boxes and validate outputs!

I am questioning my use of AI more and more lately. To be clear, I don't anticipate stopping using it entirely, but I am considering stepping back on my usage. I had a few months of fun building, and sure it's very capable, but it is robbing me of an occupied mind, which lets those ruinous thoughts start swirling again.

'Cancel Claude' is an easy step, but I have a plan for a more elegant escape that brings me back into building without it feeling like I've crashed face-first into the ground.

On the positive

After I posted about my recent website update on LinkedIn and BlueSky, I got a few people saying that they liked it, some saying that my earlier blog post on mental health had resonated with them. That isn't why I wrote this - I just needed to get some things out of my mind and written down.

I did also recently manage to gain the last few points on PageSpeed in order to get a perfect 100 on both mobile and desktop. I know that's not the only metric by which to measure, but I consider it a good standard to hit.

I've also been trying to make amends with people It's not from 'falling out' as such, but just unspoken disagreements followed by silence. Life is more important than such nonsense.

I've also been moving over to drinking water. It perhaps sounds ridiculous, but I've mostly drunk Pepsi for most of my life. I could make a 2L bottle last half a week maybe because I'd drink tea instead, but consider how little liquid I have been drinking, maybe hydration has been a problem for a long time and I've just not realised it because I'm mostly at home through the day. Now I have a water bottle and I find myself filling it up 4-6 times a day.